There are a lot of jerks out there in comic books, movies and television that are obviously not boyfriend material but some of the heroes they battle have more in common with their foes than they would like to admit. I’ve chosen five men from all three mediums that are heroes in the true sense of the word but as boyfriends and husbands, they kind of suck.
5. Peter Petrelli
At first glance, Peter looks like quite the catch. Handsome, has superpowers, likes to help others. But then you remember Caitlin. You do remember her, right? Because Peter certainly doesn’t. His Irish lady love was accidentally left in an alternate future and while Peter tried to go forward again and get her back, he didn’t try for very long. Not only that, he never mentioned her again after the very beginning of season three.
Peter left Caitlin to fend for herself in an alternate future that no longer exists so in Heroes-verse, she probably doesn’t exist either. According to string theory, Cailin could still exist but that would mean she was probably infected with the virus that caused NYC to be evacuated. If Peter ever mentioned her or showed remorse for leaving her behind he wouldn’t be on this list. Keep your charming smile to yourself, Mr. Petrelli.
Although with Batman, you’ve got two personas to choose from, neither is very appealing. Bruce Wayne is the ultimate playboy and loner while Batman is a vigilante who trusts no one. He has files on his closest friends and allies that outline how to defeat them should he ever need to. If we dated, would he have a file on me too? If he did, it’d be considerably smaller than Wonder Woman’s but still…creepy! Women complain all the time about their significant others being emotionally closed off – well, Batman defines the term and who wants that? Sure, he’d be fun to have around temporarily but there would be no nice, stable relationship with this one.
The brooding. The lack of sex. The brooding. He wouldn’t go for me anyway because I’m not a petite blond with superhuman strength but I’m okay with that because my idea of an exciting date doesn’t include the possibility of getting killed if I sex him up too well.
Even while cursed with a soul, Angel as a beau isn’t very appealing unless you like being forever compared to Buffy – and I do mean forever (vampire, remember?). He is very focused on redemption which isn’t a bad thing but it does make him a terrible boyfriend because he is very single-minded. As for Angel sans soul…he tried to end the world at least a couple of times. If that’s the sort of thing you go for then I’m not sure why you’re even reading this.
2. Green Arrow
Oliver Queen has fucked up. A LOT. Green Arrow had a long, tumultuous relationship with Black Canary and for a hero, his moral compass is pretty askew. He cheated on her, took money from her floral shop, didn’t tell her he had a kid from a previous relationship and he refused her help when it is discovered he murdered Prometheus.
I have a thing for men with archery skills. Call me weird but it’s true. However!! So do about five bajillion other women and Green Arrow has slept with all of them (bajillion may or may not be an accurate count but cheating is still cheating).
1. Reed Richards
Reed Richards is an asshole. The fact that he leads a superhero team is borderline ridiculous. Sure, he’s an intelligent scientist with superpowers but unfortunately, one of his superpowers is being the ultimate misogynistic douchebag. He physically and emotionally abuses his wife, Sue Storm (with a backhand on reserve for his son too), constantly puts his work above all else and he’s condescending. Below are some choice panels that highlight his dickish behavior throughout the years.
Jen is working on Slacker Heroes, a young adult urban fantasy that follows Sam and his friends as they learn to control their newly acquired superpowers. Being a comic book aficionado, he knows the rules: don’t share your secret, help others when you can, and don’t fall in love with a normal girl. However, Sam and his friends are no heroes and they’re about to break all the rules.
Slacker Heroes will go on submission soon so keep your eyes peeled and fingers crossed!